Indolent: averse to activity, effort, or movement : habitually lazy
I haven't posted in almost two months. I would claim that there hasn't been anything worth sharing. But that's a lie. The truth is, I've gotten indolent. Case in point, I've been meaning to write a post about indolence, but I've been too indolent. A good question is - why?
And the answer is, I don't know. But it will happen at least once to all grad students. You can't really call it complacency: self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies because there isn't really any self-satisfaction. It's more like all the fucks you had to give are gone.
Typically what happens is that you've been giving all the fucks, all the time. And you burn out. Sooner or later, you just reach a point where you can't. You just can't care. About anything. You can't be bothered to act, or think, or want. You're going to do whatever requires the least effort, and you're not even going to enjoy it. You have a huge pile of data that needs analysis. Whatever. You have a deadline coming up. So what? You've been living off take-out and Golden Grahams for weeks. Who cares? You haven't worn underwear in a month. Big deal.
This is never good. And not just because your friends are probably put off by your new and interesting lack of personal hygiene. Because, quite obviously, you're not getting anything done. And if you've gotten indolent, it probably means you've fallen through an accountability crack, and no one with the authority to shame you into action KNOWS you've slipped. Which means Lassie is not coming to get you out of the apathy well, you need to pull your own lazy ass out. And THAT means you have to figure out how to spontaneously generate a fuck from a barren wasteland of fucklessness. For me, the key is fear.
If I don't give any fucks, I don't get any work done. If I don't get any work done, I don't finish my dissertation. If I don't finish my dissertation, I don't find a job. If I don't find a job I have to move back in with my parents. I CAN'T MOVE BACK IN WITH MY PARENTS!!!! Fuck generated, back to work.